Traditions

I dont know where to start today , its been a busy couple of days so I havent done much writing. Done plenty of thinking but nothing for writing , even little notes to myself. Its kind of sad really. I have actually wrote memos to myself in my phone for random thoughts before and I havent even had the time to do that.

I was reflecting on Sundays post some about Thanksgiving dinner and it made me think about traditions. Ours changed a few years ago. Casey changed them long before her death. Maybe in some way she was preparing us for the future ? When she would be gone...

I am positive she had plenty of time to prepare herself for her death. I know I should have been more prepared but honestly as prepared as I thought I was for when that day would come, I never not really prepared nor can I tell someone how to prepare for something that horrible.

My ex husband and I split up in 2003 for the final time. For a few years we swapped kids back and forth for holidays ,each of us having our own celebration with them until Casey went into independent living. Somehow or another we all found ourselves with her , at her place Thanksgiving 2006. He with his partner and I with mine. We came together as a a family for the girls.

Pretty much every holiday , every kids birthday and major things we found ourselves together for the girls. It doesn't hurt things that little B loves the girls dads family either ,and they love him in return.

We still celebrate the holidays together , even though Casey is no longer here physically. She changed that. She showed us that divorces be damned we were all still a family. I remember her laying in the bed at hospice the night before she died when Christine told me that just because her brother and I were divorced she would always consider me her, her sister. All Casey did was smile.

I think in some way , Casey needed to know that I would have support for when she left this world since I dont exactly get along all that well with my own family. I love them all but really think several of them are very selfish and self centered so I choose to keep my distance from them.

Someone told me after her death that Casey was more worried about me after she died more than herself dying. I think she was afraid Id totally lose it. I think shes right , I came pretty damn close to losing it , it was one hell of a rough year , and a year and a half later I'm still clawing to keep myself out of that pit. Some days are easier than others.