Sometimes...

The last few nights Ive been waking up in the middle of the night between 2:30 and 3:30 every morning after having dreams so vivid , they woke me up , hoping she was home to stay. Id wake up and the dream would be gone and reality would set in. She is gone from her physical body, freed from the confines that held her in a wheelchair here on earth.

It honestly made me want to cry. Cry for the selfish part of me who wants her back no matter what , and feel guilty because if she was still here on this physical plain with me , she would still be confined to her chair, she would have pain and be sick , but she would be here.

I dont like the fact that she is gone. I dont like the fact she isnt coming back to me in a physical sense here on earth again. I feel horrible for wishing for her because I know she really struggled to live life to the fullest with her illnesses , and fought so hard. Somehow knowing she is no longer sick , or hurting is comforting but it does not make me miss her any less, sometimes I just wish I could have her back for a day so I could tell her how much I love her and how much she is missed , and we could go do what we planned to do when she was an adult.

I have a real problem wrapping my head around the fact she would be 20 years old now, and in college like her friends. Some of her friends are getting married and having babies. I have to wonder would Casey be getting married ? Would she be starting her family through adoption like she wanted to ? What would she be like now ? I never got a chance to know 18 or 19 year old Casey. I wish she was here so I would know 20 year old Casey. I bet she would have been a wonderful 20 year old.

I wonder what advice she would have given to Abby and Ally about becoming an adult and being responsible. I know she would be as proud of them as I am for all they have taken on and done since they turned 16.. She loved them and Bryce dearly. She would be proud of who they are all becoming.