Happy Halloween

Casey always loved Halloween , I can honestly say it was one of her favorite times of the year. From the costumes , to the parties , to trick or treating - she loved it all. She always got so excited to go costume shopping. She loved planning the parties too..

She also loved the Twilight series of books and was looking forward to seeing New Moon but she missed out on that too.. She never could decide who was hotter Jacob or Edward.

 She said they both had redeeming qualities about them.. and that a girl shouldn't have to decide those things so young in life. One of her favorite quotes from Twilight was : I love you more than anything else in the world combined. Isnt that enough ? Yes it is enough, Enough for forever.

I will always love Casey , and that has to be enough , for , forever. I have no other choice but to remember her forever , and love the memories we made together , for forever. I can't see her smile everyday unless I look at her pictures , and that just isnt the same as seeing her in front of me ,but I do cherish those pictures.

I love her as much as I love my other kids and will always love them all for , forever. I could honestly tell them each her favorite quote , and it would ring true because I love them all in different ways,and always will.

Here are some of her favorite Halloween songs ...

Id like to take a moment to remind you that there are going to be a lot of kids out on Halloween , darting out between cars , in the street , and please slow down and be careful. You might just save a life.

Todays ponderings

Today I'm choosing not to write about the 31 days of grief.

Today I woke up with a sense of dread. Today is a friend of the family's funeral. He was diagnosed with being in stage four bone cancer last Wednesday, he died Thursday morning from it. He was a dad , a grandpa , a husband . He was a firefighter when he was younger. He will be missed dearly by those who knew and loved him dearly.

My sense of dread comes from funerals in general. Ive only had one other funeral to go to since Casey's and it rocked my world. Hard. That funeral was my grandpa. He died of pneumonia and sepsis too. Just like Casey. In the days prior to his passing I had gone to go see him , and he didnt remember Casey dying. Or her funeral being held on his birthday , which coincidentally was also the first day of spring, March 21, 2010. He had Alzheimer's so was blissfully in his own little world most of the time. Where people he loved werent dead , they just werent there for whatever reason , they just couldnt make it that day. His Alzheimer's got worse after Uncle Kent died in Feb 2009. Maybe it got worse because he was shutting out the pain of losing his son ?

Sometimes I think he was lucky because he didn't remember her dying like I do.

I wonder if life would be simpler to be oblivious to her death , and just imagine her off on a trip , or away at college. Stuff she should be out doing instead of sitting in an urn , inside of her curio cabinet, in our living room. Maybe it wouldst hurt so much , but then again maybe id wonder why she didn't call , or write to let me know she was doing well and having a good time ?

I just don't know. Ive told the twins that should I come down with Alzheimer's when I'm old to let me live in my fantasy world where Casey is very much alive and away on a great journey , because Id rather think she was too busy to call , or write , then to remember that I outlived my oldest daughter. 

Day 12: Scents

Day 12: Is scents. I don't have one particular scent that I can describe Casey with , except Casey smelled like Casey. I remember her fondness of lotions and potions as I called them. One of them being the lotion called Pleasure. 

To try and describe her scent is impossible but every so often I get a whiff of her and it makes me smile , and other times I smell her lotions and it reminds me of her smell pretty darn close. I can smell her on her clothes yet that have been carefully packed away , maybe never to be unpacked , or someday when I'm ready, but I highly doubt anytime soon.

This is little Casey - I think she was like 4 in this picture. 

Day 11: Supportive family and Friends

Imagine losing your hold on life, everything you thought about how life was supposed to be. Imagine losing someone you had loved half your life plus a few years. Imagine how hard it would be to let go of everything you have ever known. Every part of your life as you have known it has been stripped away like a tornado, but it rips deeper into your soul , and suddenly your life is changed in the worst way imaginable. Every aspect of your life is forever changed. Never to be the same. It is such a horrible feeling.

Of course when you are feeling at your lowest point, you are really numb and your self preservation has kicked in , where you almost yearn to feel some pain instead of feeling nothing at all. Its like your soul has left you alone in your thoughts where nothing can hurt you because you have gone through the worst thing imaginable.

You have entered the grieving parent club, a club that you never wanted to be a member of , with life as you knew it gone. New facts pop up and slap you in the face as much as they can. Its a lot of information to absorb with the things you are forced to know and learn. Like: Knowing that everything you have ever known and loved about someone is gone forever. Every smile. Every twinkle in those big beautiful blue eyes. Every freckle on her little nose. The beautiful brown hair that had a slight curl to it. Her small piano player fingers. Those same fingers that used to stroke your face when she was little. And her feet with those little toes. The little feet that had barely ever been stood on , let alone really walked on. The shoes that lasted for years because she never had a chance to wear them out. You know, the same shoes that were purely an accessory, and not a necessity .

Day 11 is supportive friends/family , you know the ones who held your hand when you needed someone to be there for you. The ones who took the middle of the night crying phone calls and actually answered. The ones you could cry , scream and yell , and they took it. When you reached out for them, they were there. When you wanted to talk about your child, they listened and chimed in with their memories too. The ones who cried with you, laughed with you and made it clear if you needed them they would be there for you. EVERY. STEP. OF . THE. WAY. and meant it.

When you lose a child, you really do find out who your real friends are. The ones who have always been there for you ,and the ones who never really were there,and never will be. Ive been blessed. I have the support of a bunch of ladies , most of whom Ive never met in real life that have always been there when I needed them too, and even when I wanted left alone, they made sure to make sure I was ok enough.

Ok enough means that I was taking care of myself , making sure stuff was done , and not sinking into the hole of grief even more.. or worse. Without them I probably would have lost my mind in the past few years.. One of them, drove from Ohio to come to Casey's visitation because she could. Another sent stuff to occupy the twins and Bryce in the days after Caseys funeral and visitation. A bunch of them sent me birthday cards in memory of Casey's 18th birthday to tell me they were remembering me on what would have been her 18th birthday. Others made donations to the MDA for her birthday in her memory. A bunch of other wonderful women chipped in and helped buy that beautiful curio cabinet that Casey's urn sits in. Others made and donated fleece blankets in her memory for her 20th birthday for us to take with the blankets we made to our local hospice.

They know who they are, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them, and how special they are. They are some of the best friends Ive ever known, without ever meeting many of them.

Always : To the twins (and bubby too).

To Blondie,Peanut and Bubby ,

Since you have been reading the blog I write about losing your sister and you seem to get upset because I write about Casey almost daily -I want you to know I love you two girls as much as I love your brother , and your older sister Casey. You are also very important in my life. I may not always tell you how much I love you, but I try and show you , even if you aren't looking or paying attention to me.

I try and do as much as I can to make sure you are happy , but honestly there are times I feel like giving up because nothing I seem to do ever makes you happy , and you too Blondie , sometimes you give me the same attitude as Peanut. I get upset with you both , but that does not mean I don't love you any less , because I always will love you two, Casey and Bubby too. Even when you treat me like shit I still love you all. I'm as proud of your accomplishments as I was of hers. And I'm proud of Bubbys too.

Writing about Casey soothes my heart , dries my tears (and occasionally causes them) and makes my soul sing , and allows me to get my feelings about losing her out in the open without interfering in your lives. I know you guys don't really like talking about losing her, but for me , remembering her , helps me. Kind of like making blankets helps you guys. You cant keep your feelings under wraps forever, someday you have to let go of the anger and come to terms with everything .I hope to see that day soon.

Love Always ,
Mom

Day 10 : Symbols

I've always thought about Casey when I see turtles. Probably because that is and always will be her nickname.A family member recently posted this one facebook ,and it made me smile.

"Casey's memory will live on in each of us who were blessed enough to know her. Ray and I talk about her often - with the kids and when we're alone. She was truly a special gift from God. ... And every turtle we find in our yard is still named Casey. "

Ive thought about her often when dragonflies and butterfly's are nearby too, especially when they land on me and stay there for several minutes. Ive heard that family members who have gone on before us chose to visit in the form of a symbol that we will recognize as them , as a way to let us know that they love and miss us too. 
I believe that , with all of my heart. I know that Casey didn't want to leave us , and that she was just too weak to fight anymore. I believe that she went with peace in her heart though because she had made the most of her life and her journey was over. I know I was told that in the year before her death , she read everything she could get her hands on about Muscular Dystrophy and dying. She was prepared , and was not afraid to die. She was afraid of being buried and being alone. 

Thank GOD she told me that before her passing , because I was able to discuss what she wanted in the end. And in the end, she got everything she wanted . In the end I know she would have loved her celebration . In the end, I was not ready to lose her , and here I am 2 years and 7 months later , thankful for those symbols that show me she is still around, and thankful for the time we had together , even though I wish it would have been longer.

Day 9: A Special Place

Day 9: A special place

One of my special places that reminds me of Casey would have to be the garden we planted in her memory in our yard. With the daffodils from her funeral. Those same flowers that bloom every year on her anniversary , and again they have bloomed on her birthday. They have even bloomed when there was snow on the ground !! She always loved spring , and said it was a time for rebirth.

 We also planted four rose bushes for all four of the kids. One for Casey , two for the A team and one for Mr B. In a sense they too are like roses. They are beautiful to watch blooming but tend to have thorns that stick you from time to time when you are least expecting it but beautiful none the less.

Dustin bought me a turtle statue for the garden in memory of Casey the first year for Mothers day. 

The other special place is 140 miles from home. I don't get there as much as I would like too but KT and several of Casey's other friends take care of things for me at her tree and bench.Mr W so lovingly planted her tree on the day of her memorial service there in Des Moines after the school did a fundraiser to raise money to pay for a tree , a bench and of course the services.

I am grateful that she has such wonderful friends who make sure to remember her on her birthday, her anniversary and the holidays. They do such special things with her tree, and when I sneak down there it makes me smile knowing they have been there, remembering her too. I know they miss her as well.

Day 8: Jewelry

Day 8 is Jewelry .

Fact is I don't wear jewelry . I don't have a certain piece to wear in memory of her. I need no reminders from jewelry. If I were to wear a piece of jewelry to remind me of her, it would either be some of Casey's own jewelry, or I would buy one from my friend Sabrina since she does custom necklaces..

She was playing around one night and made one up that reminded her of Casey. If I had it I would wear it. I'm putting it on my Christmas list so maybe D will take the hint that I do want one piece to remind me of her.

Since I dont have any to remind me of Casey, I cherish my tattoo I have for her .. It is my reminder that I wear daily since I don't wear jewelry. Someday Ill get it finished where it has the halo and angel wings..

Day 7: What to Say

When you lose your child, people always have to say something. I'm not sure if they're trying to make you feel better, or maybe they are trying to make themselves feel better. I wish they would just stop trying so hard.

If you're wondering what you can say, or what you can do , let me enlighten you.

Say her name. Just because she isn't here now , doesn't mean she never was here. It doesn't mean that she didn't live a life worth remembering. Hearing you say her name tells me you remember her , and how special she was to all of us. It reminds me that you cared about her too , and that you remember her accomplishments. It tells me you remember her too.

For me , that is music to my ears , and it soothes my heart..


When you cant find the words to express sympathy , I'd rather hear silence then the stuff I wrote about on day 6.

Casey was here. She brought so much joy into my life. Some days I feel like life without her is like a day with no sunshine. A rainy day without a rainbow at the end of the rain.

I loved her , her whole life. Now I'm going to miss her for the rest of my life.

Day 6: What NOT to Say

Day 6: What NOT to Say:

Ive heard so many different things in the 2 years and 7 months that Casey has been gone , ive really tried reflecting on all of them to try and write them however , Ive heard so many messed up things I can only pin point a few.

"God needed her more than we did."
"At least you have other children."
"It was God's will."
"Your child is in a better place now."
"I know just how you feel."
"Now you will have an angel in heaven."

Here is one of the poems I can really relate too...

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

This is the other one I can really relate too.. I think they both speak loud and clear , please listen to them so you know what NOT to say to a bereaved parent.

Please, don't ask me if I'm over it yet
I'll never be over it
Please, don't tell me she's in a better place
She isn't here with me

Please, don't say at least she isn't suffering
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all
Please, don't tell me you know how I feel
Unless you have lost a child you dont know

Please, don't ask me if I feel better
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up
Please, don't tell me at least you had her for so many years
What year would you choose for your child to die?

Please, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear
Please, just tell me you are sorry
Please, just say you remember my child, if you do
Please, just let me talk about my child
Please, mention my child's name
Please, just let me cry.

Day 5: Memorial

Day 5: Memorial

me·mo·ri·al [muh-mawr-ee-uhl, -mohr-]

noun

1. something designed to preserve the memory of a person, event, etc., as a monument or a holiday.

2. a written statement of facts presented to a sovereign, a legislative body, etc., as the ground of, or expressed in the form of, a petition or remonstrance.

 

My curio cabinet Ive written about is a memorial for Casey. The tree and bench at her high school that her teachers and friends purchased and planted are a memorial in memory of Casey.

The tattoo I got for her years before she died with a turtle flipping the peace sign laying on its back is a memorial for her , she knew it and loved it all the same. She used to smile knowing that she was only one of 4 names I would ever put on my body.

 

Her garden that always seems to bloom on the anniversary of her death , and on her birthday even if there is snow on the ground is a memorial garden. I never wanted to have to have a memorial place for Casey , I never wanted the memories to remind me of her. I always just wanted her.

 

Being there are so many pictures I could post for a memorial of Casey , I cant pick just one so Ill leave you with this video that reminds me of her the most.

 

 

 

 

 

Day 4 : Most Treasured Item.

I saw this this morning on facebook and could not agree more. I feel like it fits well with todays post with it being Day 4 : Most Treasured Item.

"Losing a child is like being covered with a heavy cloud of sorrow. No matter how much the sun shines, the cloud remains in place, and so we are left with the task of working very hard to find holes in the cloud that will allow the sunshine to peek in. If only others understood how heavy this cloud feels every day! The sorrow from child loss isn't something that goes away in a few days !"

Fact of it is , my children are the most cherished part of my life. Every handprint turkey, ever school picture.  Everything they have ever made me in school , and at home are cherished items they have given me.  Those memories are tucked aside in a tote for safe keeping in my closet , to be brought out another day for a glimpse into the past.

I cant really say what I treasure most about Casey's things other than , they are Casey's things. I find myself protecting her things at all costs. Im afraid of people touching her things , because they were hers. And some of her clothes still smell like her. That is a smell I will always treasure.

In my living room I have a curio cabinet. It is probably the most treasured item I own besides the artwork and her clothes. It has Casey's urn , her beautiful musical bears , a memory box full of stories about Casey that her friends at Johnston High School gave me at their memorial service they had for her after her services here at home , since many of them could not make the two hour drive yet. 

It also has our angel we were given by the Iowa Donor Network after she died. She wanted to help someone else after her passing (which did not surprise me, she always tried helping others) so we donated her eyes for medical research.

Her high school diploma also sits there. She was so sick she could barely open her eyes when they graduated her out there at Blank Childrens hospital and yet she knew she did it. I am as proud of her today , as I was at that moment in the hospital. She worked hard and earned her diploma.

Maybe my most treasured items after all are all the memories ..

Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

You never want one event in your life to define you, sometimes, however, one event in your life can totally  redefine you. I am not the same person I was before my daughter died, and I never will be that person again. Nothing can ever bring her back , and nobody will ever know the me before she died. Some might remember the me from before but I will never be the same.

On March 18, 2010, the "old" me died at 9:06 in the morning. I felt her gone before I had the phone call telling me she was gone. I remember distinctly thinking that they had the wrong person on the phone even though it was John on the phone. I remember thinking that he really wasn't telling me our daughter was gone. I was sitting at highway 100 in the turn lane to head down East Post road to avoid traffic getting to the hospital. I could barely see through the tears. I dont even remember hanging up the phone but I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, a sound I have never heard again , from a voice that I didnt even recognize even though it was my own.

 

I'm honestly amazed I didn't get into an accident, cause an accident and that I even made it to the hospital. I dont remember the drive from that point on just crying  , screaming , and pulling over to make a quick call to let a friend know she was gone. She then called others for me. I don't remember the rest of the drive but I do remember the song that was coming on the radio when I felt her leave , just as my phone was ringing. I will never forget that moment my life shattered.

Losing a child is a lot like falling into a black hole. Your friends, your acquaintances, everyone you knew is at the top. At first, they all try to help you back to the top, they worry about you, they wonder if you're okay. As time goes on, they start to wonder if you'll ever be able to get out of that hole, and some of them move on for various reasons. And they aren't really all that subtle about it. You call , and they don't answer your calls. They don't answer your texts and never seem to have the time for you anymore for whatever reasons.

Main reason Ive figured out is they think death is contagious that because you have lost a child, theirs could be next. Or perhaps they just dont want to hear you talk about your deceased child. They expect you to move on quick to forget that child and move on with life. It doesn't work like that, and they don't realize it because they haven't been in your shoes , and you pray that they never are.

As you start to realize what is going on in the world around you while  you're in this hole, you slowly start to climb out.Along the climb, you notice that you are not alone, there are other women in the same hole with you. They have fallen into the same hole of loss.Some are closer to the top, and sadly, you notice that some are closer to the bottom. They cry with you. They cheer you on. They help you make the journey back to the top of the hole.

Once you finally get to the top, you realize everything is different. You realize that once you've fallen into the hole, you can never go back to how things were before you fell into that deep dark black hole. All you can do is hold onto the world around you and reach into the black hole to extend your arm to help pull someone else out of that place and help them realize that life is still worth living , even with the loss they too have endured.

Day three is supposed to be an after loss self portrait , I chose one of my son and I waiting for the graduation ceremony at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa 2 months after Casey died. Ive also chosen to show the shirt that a friend of Casey's had made for me , that I wore to graduation. I cherish this shirt dearly and very rarely wear it as I dont want to take a chance of something happening to it.

Her Bubba took her place in line to accept her diploma on behalf of our family. I'm so very thankful he was strong enough to cross the stage for us , I never could have done it emotionally or physically.

I also chose Casey's mini urn with her white rose ,and her diploma of course. She worked so hard to get it , and deserved her diploma and recognition of her accomplishment.

Day 2 :Before loss self portrait

I have always known that people died. That babies died . That teenagers died. That moms and dads died, and that that grandparents and grandparents died. I knew that sometimes people just died with no rhyme or reason.

I remember being in 8th grade and a classmate dying. Her death was totally preventable. She died from an asthma attack. I was 14 years old , and her death rocked me.I hadn't known her very long but she was one of the sweetest girls I knew. She was always nice to everyone.

Other than losing my great grandparents I had never been directly affected by someones death , somewhere in my mind I figured death was one of those things that happened to other people. I never would have guessed that it won't ever happen me. That my daughter would die before she had a chance to fully live.


Even though we knew she had Muscular Dystrophy I never could wrap my head around the fact I would outlive my daughter. No parent should ever have to understand that concept. Life isnt supposed to happen like that.. but it did. I wish I could be that naive person again that never thought it would happen to them.


This picture is of Casey and I about 6 months before she died. We had gone to the Iowa State fair.

Capturing your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

I noticed some other bereaved mothers "capturing their grief" through photos. I'm  late starting, but am joining in on this, better late than never.I decided to start blogging again to capture my 31 days. That is 31 days of photos.

Any mom who has experienced the death of her child can tell you that your grief is your own. Your journey is your own. We come together and support each other through, we travel this broken road together, yet we are still so very alone.

Day 1 : Sunrise : Looks like a heart in the clouds

Can you imagine burying your first born before she has really had a chance to spread her wings fully and watch her fly ? Before seeing her graduate high school with her classmates ?

How about 6 weeks after you buy her senior prom dress that she was so excited to get ? Six short weeks after we had our last family photos taken ? Six short weeks after we had her senior high school pictures taken , and six short weeks after she got her eyebrow piercing done that she had patiently waited for, for several years.

Can you imagine how hard it is to know the reality of it is that when others were planning their spring break trips, and what they wanted to get done before school started back up my daughter was in the hospital with pneumonia. Somewhere in those first few days , or perhaps in the days before they finally admitted her into the hospital she got a deadly virus. She got sepsis which is 100% preventable with proper hand washing by doctors and nurses, by respiratory therapists , by anyone who comes into contact with patients in the hospital.


When others were planning what they were going to wear to go back to school the next week , and the news they wanted to share with their friends, I was planning my first born daughters funeral.

Her celebration of her life. A life that was cut too short. I was planning what she would wear for her *party* , what music would be played. What would be said about her.

Doesnt quite seem fair does it ? Some might say this isn't real. That teenagers don't die in high school.

The reality is, teenagers die every day.

Fact is people with Muscular Dystrophy die each and every day.