Today I woke up with a sense of dread. Today is a friend of the family's funeral. He was diagnosed with being in stage four bone cancer last Wednesday, he died Thursday morning from it. He was a dad , a grandpa , a husband . He was a firefighter when he was younger. He will be missed dearly by those who knew and loved him dearly.
My sense of dread comes from funerals in general. Ive only had one other funeral to go to since Casey's and it rocked my world. Hard. That funeral was my grandpa. He died of pneumonia and sepsis too. Just like Casey. In the days prior to his passing I had gone to go see him , and he didnt remember Casey dying. Or her funeral being held on his birthday , which coincidentally was also the first day of spring, March 21, 2010. He had Alzheimer's so was blissfully in his own little world most of the time. Where people he loved werent dead , they just werent there for whatever reason , they just couldnt make it that day. His Alzheimer's got worse after Uncle Kent died in Feb 2009. Maybe it got worse because he was shutting out the pain of losing his son ?
Sometimes I think he was lucky because he didn't remember her dying like I do.
I wonder if life would be simpler to be oblivious to her death , and just imagine her off on a trip , or away at college. Stuff she should be out doing instead of sitting in an urn , inside of her curio cabinet, in our living room. Maybe it wouldst hurt so much , but then again maybe id wonder why she didn't call , or write to let me know she was doing well and having a good time ?
I just don't know. Ive told the twins that should I come down with Alzheimer's when I'm old to let me live in my fantasy world where Casey is very much alive and away on a great journey , because Id rather think she was too busy to call , or write , then to remember that I outlived my oldest daughter.
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