Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

You never want one event in your life to define you, sometimes, however, one event in your life can totally  redefine you. I am not the same person I was before my daughter died, and I never will be that person again. Nothing can ever bring her back , and nobody will ever know the me before she died. Some might remember the me from before but I will never be the same.

On March 18, 2010, the "old" me died at 9:06 in the morning. I felt her gone before I had the phone call telling me she was gone. I remember distinctly thinking that they had the wrong person on the phone even though it was John on the phone. I remember thinking that he really wasn't telling me our daughter was gone. I was sitting at highway 100 in the turn lane to head down East Post road to avoid traffic getting to the hospital. I could barely see through the tears. I dont even remember hanging up the phone but I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, a sound I have never heard again , from a voice that I didnt even recognize even though it was my own.

 

I'm honestly amazed I didn't get into an accident, cause an accident and that I even made it to the hospital. I dont remember the drive from that point on just crying  , screaming , and pulling over to make a quick call to let a friend know she was gone. She then called others for me. I don't remember the rest of the drive but I do remember the song that was coming on the radio when I felt her leave , just as my phone was ringing. I will never forget that moment my life shattered.

Losing a child is a lot like falling into a black hole. Your friends, your acquaintances, everyone you knew is at the top. At first, they all try to help you back to the top, they worry about you, they wonder if you're okay. As time goes on, they start to wonder if you'll ever be able to get out of that hole, and some of them move on for various reasons. And they aren't really all that subtle about it. You call , and they don't answer your calls. They don't answer your texts and never seem to have the time for you anymore for whatever reasons.

Main reason Ive figured out is they think death is contagious that because you have lost a child, theirs could be next. Or perhaps they just dont want to hear you talk about your deceased child. They expect you to move on quick to forget that child and move on with life. It doesn't work like that, and they don't realize it because they haven't been in your shoes , and you pray that they never are.

As you start to realize what is going on in the world around you while  you're in this hole, you slowly start to climb out.Along the climb, you notice that you are not alone, there are other women in the same hole with you. They have fallen into the same hole of loss.Some are closer to the top, and sadly, you notice that some are closer to the bottom. They cry with you. They cheer you on. They help you make the journey back to the top of the hole.

Once you finally get to the top, you realize everything is different. You realize that once you've fallen into the hole, you can never go back to how things were before you fell into that deep dark black hole. All you can do is hold onto the world around you and reach into the black hole to extend your arm to help pull someone else out of that place and help them realize that life is still worth living , even with the loss they too have endured.

Day three is supposed to be an after loss self portrait , I chose one of my son and I waiting for the graduation ceremony at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa 2 months after Casey died. Ive also chosen to show the shirt that a friend of Casey's had made for me , that I wore to graduation. I cherish this shirt dearly and very rarely wear it as I dont want to take a chance of something happening to it.

Her Bubba took her place in line to accept her diploma on behalf of our family. I'm so very thankful he was strong enough to cross the stage for us , I never could have done it emotionally or physically.

I also chose Casey's mini urn with her white rose ,and her diploma of course. She worked so hard to get it , and deserved her diploma and recognition of her accomplishment.