Day 11: Supportive family and Friends

Imagine losing your hold on life, everything you thought about how life was supposed to be. Imagine losing someone you had loved half your life plus a few years. Imagine how hard it would be to let go of everything you have ever known. Every part of your life as you have known it has been stripped away like a tornado, but it rips deeper into your soul , and suddenly your life is changed in the worst way imaginable. Every aspect of your life is forever changed. Never to be the same. It is such a horrible feeling.

Of course when you are feeling at your lowest point, you are really numb and your self preservation has kicked in , where you almost yearn to feel some pain instead of feeling nothing at all. Its like your soul has left you alone in your thoughts where nothing can hurt you because you have gone through the worst thing imaginable.

You have entered the grieving parent club, a club that you never wanted to be a member of , with life as you knew it gone. New facts pop up and slap you in the face as much as they can. Its a lot of information to absorb with the things you are forced to know and learn. Like: Knowing that everything you have ever known and loved about someone is gone forever. Every smile. Every twinkle in those big beautiful blue eyes. Every freckle on her little nose. The beautiful brown hair that had a slight curl to it. Her small piano player fingers. Those same fingers that used to stroke your face when she was little. And her feet with those little toes. The little feet that had barely ever been stood on , let alone really walked on. The shoes that lasted for years because she never had a chance to wear them out. You know, the same shoes that were purely an accessory, and not a necessity .

Day 11 is supportive friends/family , you know the ones who held your hand when you needed someone to be there for you. The ones who took the middle of the night crying phone calls and actually answered. The ones you could cry , scream and yell , and they took it. When you reached out for them, they were there. When you wanted to talk about your child, they listened and chimed in with their memories too. The ones who cried with you, laughed with you and made it clear if you needed them they would be there for you. EVERY. STEP. OF . THE. WAY. and meant it.

When you lose a child, you really do find out who your real friends are. The ones who have always been there for you ,and the ones who never really were there,and never will be. Ive been blessed. I have the support of a bunch of ladies , most of whom Ive never met in real life that have always been there when I needed them too, and even when I wanted left alone, they made sure to make sure I was ok enough.

Ok enough means that I was taking care of myself , making sure stuff was done , and not sinking into the hole of grief even more.. or worse. Without them I probably would have lost my mind in the past few years.. One of them, drove from Ohio to come to Casey's visitation because she could. Another sent stuff to occupy the twins and Bryce in the days after Caseys funeral and visitation. A bunch of them sent me birthday cards in memory of Casey's 18th birthday to tell me they were remembering me on what would have been her 18th birthday. Others made donations to the MDA for her birthday in her memory. A bunch of other wonderful women chipped in and helped buy that beautiful curio cabinet that Casey's urn sits in. Others made and donated fleece blankets in her memory for her 20th birthday for us to take with the blankets we made to our local hospice.

They know who they are, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them, and how special they are. They are some of the best friends Ive ever known, without ever meeting many of them.