Learning ...

I wrote this a while back and came across it today while looking for some other files.. I think its meant to be shared being this is about the grieving process..


Something I’ve figured out since I lost Casey. I have figured out I’m human and will have some really rough days and some decent days. I have come to figure out that alcohol doesn’t always numb the pain and its ok to go to the doctor and ask for help. It’s also ok to have days where you don’t accomplish anything except getting up out of bed and getting dressed. Some days you actually take a shower too because you feel like it.
I’ve also figured out its pretty hard to say what you would and wouldn’t do when and if your child were to die. It was pretty easy to say that I wouldn’t do this or Id be doing that but the reality of it is, you don’t know unless you experience it and it isn’t something id wish on my worst enemy.

I’ve come to realize that sometimes you have friends and people who care about you that you don’t even realize, those are the ones you can text in the middle of the night and just to see them say it will get better, or talk to me and you know they will listen. It’s the ones who send you a thinking of you card to let you know they are thinking of you on your child’s birthday after you have lost them that you KNOW really care.
I’ve also come to realize that some people are also just full of shit by saying Ill do this or Ill do that to help you out during this time, help you out with funeral costs or just to be there for you to talk to. They say what they think is going to help and in reality, somehow they seem to conveniently forget these conversations.

I’ve come to realize I hate hearing I know how you feel from people who really don’t know how I feel because they haven’t gone through this. I’ve come to hate the simple sentence of where is she buried.
I’ve come to accept that anger is a strong emotion and that by being angry its proving to yourself you are still human, and that the tears that come with it are an outlet for the anger and sorrow to get out. Whoever said anger and sorrow would eat you alive was right, it will if you let it. I’m learning that while I don’t know what normal is anymore Ill figure it out eventually with my surviving children and Big D by my side.

I’ve also been figuring out that the best thing you can do is to honor the person who passed away in anyway that you know would have pleased them and made them smile. Even if it’s something as simple as planting some flowers in a garden that you know they would have loved. By carrying on family traditions, and making some new ones. Simply learning to live again, even if it isn’t with them.
I’ve also learned that sometimes the hardest thing you can do in life is to learn to accept their death and live again. I haven’t reached that point yet but I know when I do, Casey will be smiling down on me.